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(GENEVA, Switzerland) A new study from the Placebo Institute, which may or may not exist, has confirmed that placebo coronavirus vaccines are “as effective” at starting arguments with misinformed uncles as their government-approved counterparts.

“We had our suspicions,” says Dr. Mishna Yahontov, who designed the study in conjunction with colleagues at Harvard Medical School. “We wanted to know if a medically useless shot of saline would enrage self-styled ‘free thinkers’ as much as life-saving vaccines have.”

The trial, which involved 30,000 volunteers as well as their online social networks of former acquaintances from middle school with Punisher tattoos, lasted three…

No more snakes. We promise.


After speaking with school district staff, local Fish and Wildlife officials and the surviving members of the George Carver Middle School marching band, I want to clear things up for you, our loyal customers:

We apologize. PestSwap® will no longer offer snakes.

I continue to believe that our business model provides a unique and humane form of pest control. Going forward, we will simply continue our signature PestSwap® service with zero snakes.

When my grandfather started Earl’s Pest Control in 1977, he pledged to revolutionize the industry by swapping pests rather than killing them…

My friend John, the last line of defense against tyranny.

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She’s unique, and I’m suspicious.

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Dear Abbey,

My wife is the love of my life. Sadly, I have recently concluded that she is a non-fungible token. My suspicions were first aroused when I would say “honey, let’s go to town, grab the keys — you’re fungible, right?” and she couldn’t even look me in the eyes.

At first, I chalked it up to nerves. We are newly married, working new careers in a new town. Anyone would struggle to be fungible in such a context..right?

I’ve always considered myself lucky to be with her. She is kind, intelligent, and beautiful…

Sneaky and scrumptious tips.

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Between Zoom meetings, trips to reduced-capacity grocery stores, and repeated visits from the fire department to locate the source of that smell, who has time to cook these days? Meal delivery services abound but can be pricey. Cooking for larger families is harder still, a challenge made more difficult by pesky alarm systems and nosy pets. Here are some tips I’ve learned, hiding in the crawlspace of a suburban home since 2011 while cooking for a family of six:

1. Beans, Beans, Beans!

Beans are a hardy and nutritious ingredient that can be prepared in multiple ways while your hosts are upstairs debating whether…

Image by Robert Ecks
  1. Many fans are asking for it, for instance me.
  2. Foghorn Leghorn is already too hot so we went with our second choice.
  3. It’s realistic. Fudd is essentially doing high intensity cardio every day during rabbit season/duck season. The results of this training should be evident on the court.
  4. Lebron gave the OK for a hotter Fudd, per the New York Times:

James, who will star in [Space Jam 2], “totally supports” making the Fudd character “as hot as the audience can withstand”, according to a source familiar with the production.

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“I’m voting against it,” said a Senator who represents about half a soccer team in a press conference Tuesday afternoon.

The Senator, discussing a bill which would raise taxes on the wealthy to fund child cancer research, wasted no time tearing into the legislative process. “I wasn’t sent to Washington to raise taxes. I was sent to speak for the forgotten American as well as the crickets, chickens and hawks that my state counts for census purposes.”

The Senator is currrently serving a third term. He was re-elected in a landslide this fall when someone’s car broke down and three people couldn’t make it to the polls.

Without the Senator’s support, the bill appears unlikely to pass.

Max Barth

comedian, writer, Libra moon, all my stuff >>

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