Yes, I Broke Into The Capitol, But I Swear I Was Just Practicing Parkour

Photo by Mary Taylor from Pexels

Yes. You caught me, dude! Ok? I participated in the January 6th thing in D.C. But — I swear — it was just to practice parkour.

It’s this thing where you tape yourself running and jumping over stuff. My big thing is desk jumping, and there were literally a hundred desks in there. It’s like catnip for me. I’m 32. Why is that relevant?

No. Like I said, I don’t need a lawyer.

Is it against the law to be physically fit and ready to creatively run from pursuers at a moment’s notice? Is it illegal to do a handstand on Pelosi’s desk? It is?

Fuck. I recant that. That’s recanted.

Look man, I just saw an opportunity to do what I do best, which is jump over shit. I practice this shit, dude. Officer. Excuse me. I practice this shit, Officer.

I was doing backflips outside the food court in the mall the other day and someone, I guess, recognized me from a video.

Next thing I know there’s cops knocking on my dad’s door, so I do — I didn’t resist arrest, no — I attempted a wallrun with a half-twist cat landing and you guys tazed the shit out of me. Really cool guys. Really cool. I wanted to show ya’ll something cool and you tazed me. Typical.

Wait can I have a copy of the video? I want to post it on my channel.

Oh come on. Do you really need the cuffs? Dude let go. I could jump over this entire fucking building, dude. I’ll jump over your car. I’m not resisting. Ok. Fuck, man. Oh, again with the tazer?!?!

comedian, writer, Libra moon, all my stuff >> https://linktr.ee/MaxBarth

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