Yes, I Broke Into The Capitol, But I Swear I Was Just Practicing Parkour

Photo by Mary Taylor from Pexels

Yes. You caught me, dude! Ok? I participated in the January 6th thing in D.C. But — I swear — it was just to practice parkour.

It’s this thing where you tape yourself running and jumping over stuff. My big thing is desk jumping, and there were literally a hundred desks in there. It’s like catnip for me. I’m 32. Why is that relevant?

No. Like I said, I don’t need a lawyer.

Is it against the law to be physically fit and ready to creatively run from pursuers at a moment’s notice? Is it illegal to do a handstand on Pelosi’s desk? It is?

Fuck. I recant that. That’s recanted.

Look man, I just saw an opportunity to do what I do best, which is jump over shit. I practice this shit, dude. Officer. Excuse me. I practice this shit, Officer.

I was doing backflips outside the food court in the mall the other day and someone, I guess, recognized me from a video.

Next thing I know there’s cops knocking on my dad’s door, so I do — I didn’t resist arrest, no — I attempted a wallrun with a half-twist cat landing and you guys tazed the shit out of me. Really cool guys. Really cool. I wanted to show ya’ll something cool and you tazed me. Typical.

Wait can I have a copy of the video? I want to post it on my channel.

Oh come on. Do you really need the cuffs? Dude let go. I could jump over this entire fucking building, dude. I’ll jump over your car. I’m not resisting. Ok. Fuck, man. Oh, again with the tazer?!?!

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