Weaker Coronavirus Strain Drops Out, Endorses Rival

The weaker strain, seen here on a recent swing through Iowa.

A more dangerous strain of the SARS-CoV-2 virus — which causes the deadly disease known as COVID-19 — has emerged and gained strength in Middle America and parts of the South. In response the previous strain has dropped out and issued a statement that endorses its rival.

I have concluded that the race to eliminate all humans has been lost, and am now endorsing my rival as the one that will carry us into a successful second wave this fall. I know this new strain shares my values, namely death and destruction and making people very nervous all the time.”

Late Tuesday night it became clear that the previous strain would struggle to compete in Middle America, in particular the perennial swing state of Ohio where lockdown efforts have had some mitigating effect. Data is still pouring in from far-flung rural areas, but sources in the weaker strain’s camp indicate it won’t be enough to change the outcome. “The numbers are good, which is of course terrible,” said a campaign source. “Many people are surviving this thing. If we want to win in the fall and [kill everybody and the economy], we need to unite now.”

Similar terrifying viruses see an opening. Ed Rollins, campaign manager for measles in 1988, says this could be the beginning of a successful fall. “With the weaker [coronavirus strain] dropping out, this new one could really unify both wings of the party — those that want to destroy the economy and those that simply want to cause suffering and pain.” Robby Mook, deputy campaign manager for SARS in 2017 agrees. “It needs to be a big tent.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the Trump administration’s point person on vaccine development and treatment disagrees: “It doesn’t matter what strain we face. We’ll defeat it — from our perspective, this fall will be about turnout, [we’re] keeping that as low as possible. If decent Americans don’t show up en masse, we’ll win. Now is the time to be complacent.”

lil’ NOTE: THIS IS NOT REAL. For updates on what’s actually happening go to https://www.cdc.gov/