Walmart Requires Masks, Literally Everything Else Still Allowed

In a shift, Walmart stores nationwide will now require customers to wear masks in an effort to slow the spread of the coronavirus. The company’s statement further clarified that customers will otherwise, as always, “be free to dress and act as if they’re drunk at home on a Tuesday”.

“The masks are for safety,” said Doug McMillon, CEO of Walmart Inc. “The rest is in keeping with our longstanding ‘literally anything but being actively on fire’ dress code.”

The policy will go into effect July 20th.

While the company has already urged customers via in-store signage and social media posts to wear masks, the shift to compulsory use is already generating controversy. Thousands of Americans have signed a petition urging Walmart to change course.

McMillon refuses.

“Look, we’re still fucking Walmart. You can still push a stroller full of rats around for hours unimpeded, if you want,” says McMillon. “You can yell at the criminally underpaid employees, you can bring a rocket launcher into the store, you can clip your cousin’s toenails in the self-checkout lane.” He sighs and throws up his hands. “Whatever you want, as always. Just please, God, wear a mask.”

Opponents of the policy remain unconvinced. Rich Carter, 39, says he will refuse to wear a mask and “see what happens”. He’s been a regular shopper at a Cleveland-area store for decades. “Every year I shoot fireworks out of my ass in the Shoes & Accessories department with my buddies from high school. Now they want us to wear masks. It’s ridiculous.”

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