Top 10 Pillows To Scream Into In 2021
1. Beckham Hotel Collection ($19)
Amazon recommends this “luxury gel” pillow, and we can understand why: it’s affordable. This is a great starter pillow for most sleepers. Its “cooling” technology makes it, well, cold. The Beckham absorbs repeated screams of “why God why” like a champ. It is easy to wash and quick to dry.
2. SORGAM Bed Pillow ($31)
The SORGAM is famous for its fibrous trace molecules, which provide “a special fluffy effect”. Filled with breathable 100% Egyptian Cotton, this pillow is perfect for absorbing sad (and happy, but who are we kidding) tears. It arrives vacuum-packed, so give it a second to inflate before your seasonal breakdown.
3. 3D Simulation Bread Shape Plush Pillow ($29)
Nothing says “goodbye 2020” like crying into a giant loaf of bread. This sassy number, by Levenkeness, is made of high quality short plush. Its exquisite workmanship will see you through the darkest days of COVID21 or poison meteors or whatever fucked up bullshit is surely around the corner.
4. Aremetop “Be Happy” Pillow ($15)
This emotionally abusive throw pillow, with its hidden zipper design, laser-printed art and bright colors is sure to delight those with a sense of irony in 2021. Screaming into one of these babies is like telling a great joke to the friends you haven’t seen all year.
5. Custom Pillow Cover by KAMOM ($7)
Ranging in sizes as large as 23x23, this custom pillow cover by KAMOM isn’t known for its comfort so much as its potential for humor. You can easily upload your own image, which will be printed with an eco-friendly process. Tip: With your $600 stimulus check, you could buy eighty of these things and have a pillow fight with all your unemployed friends and family. What have you got to lose?
6. iCozyHome Maternity Pillow ($39)
The iCozyHome maternity pillow is a perfect gift for expectant mothers, sure, but it’s also large enough for the entire family to grasp and rend in frustration as food becomes scarce in the richest country in human history. The thread count is uninspiring, however.
7. ComfiLife Orthopedic Knee Pillow ($24)
While this pillow is made for sciatica relief, its cube shape makes it perfect for throwing through windows when you’ve frankly had enough of this fucking nonstop bullshit. Its breathable easy-clean cover is a huge help once the panic puking begins.
8. MALOUF Z Zoned Dough Memory Foam Pillow ($24)
Memory foam — for the year you can’t forget.™ Scream your 2020 memories into this luxurious item and watch them rebound at the speed of sad. Zoned technology cradles the head, and the included aromatherapy spray (we picked chamomile!) will remind you of pre-COVID times, when your only worry was the dying planet.
9. oFloral Brick Throw Pillow ($9)
Vibe check! This is the best brick-patterned throw pillow you can find for nine dollars, and that’s — technically — saying something. It fits perfectly on the couch which has become your home. Simply roll over and scream! Just be sure to do it once the kids are asleep. Or not. Who gives a shit at this point? They’re used to it.
10. cygnus Sequin Pillow Cover Danny Devito Face Reversible Magic Mermaid Decorative Throw Pillow Case That Color Changes Funny Gifts 16x16 ($10)
We’re not sure what the title really means, but there is a photo of Danny “The Vito” Devito on this pillow, which makes it a “buy”. You can scream your woes directly into the mouth of the It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia star or simply cradle him like a baby as you stare into the torturous maw of the year to come.
Happy New Year!
