Member-only story
These Donuts Are Vegan, But NOT Cruelty-Free
We treat these donuts like absolute shit.
We’re twisted freaks here at Linda’s Sunshine Bakery. We don’t use animal products in our donuts but you’re goddamn right our pastries aren’t “cruelty-free”. We treat these donuts like complete shit: we yell at them as they come out of the fryer, we keep them in tiny little donut cages while we talk about how great it is to be a human — we even point and laugh at them as their extra dough is sliced off and rolled into demeaning little balls right in front of their holes.
Their lives, far from sweet, are hell from the minute one of our emotionally unstable staff members clocks into work to the time one of our treasured customers puts them out of their misery in our award-winning dining room.
And it’s not just physical stuff. We get in their heads. Our late founder, Chef Linda Simmons, loved to show our donuts photographs of people eating the donuts from the day before. Just so they’d know what was coming. Have you ever seen Saw? Our pastries have. We make them sit through the entire series — we set up a projector in the kitchen — just to bore the absolute shit out them. It’s pretty brutal.
Over the years we have perfected Linda’s cruel albeit vegan ways, while rolling out delicious customer favorites like Triple Smoked Salt Açaí Crunch and Stuffed…
