The Founding Fathers Were Right: Gun Rights Are Absolute And Face Leeches Cure Cancer, A Disease Caused By Angry Harvest Demons

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In a time beset by increasingly poisonous political discord and partisanship, Americans should cling tightly to that which our Founders so earnestly believed: the right to own a firearm is absolute and also putting leeches on your face cures cancer, a disease which is caused by angry harvest demons.

When “modern” people consider the beliefs of the leaders of the American Revolution, we shouldn’t cherry-pick those we are comfortable with and dismiss the rest simply because we’re told “times have changed”. We are with the Founders, or we are not. Therefore when no less than Thomas Jefferson advises “let your Gun be…the Constant Companion of your Walks,” we must agree in action as well as principle, just as we all must when he declares “Fresh leaches on Thine Nostril aid in the procurement of Most Divine & Healing vapours & further bristle the daemons of harvesttime.”

Wishy-washy liberals, mushy RINOs and the like may bristle at the thought of attaching dozens of bloodsucking bugs to their faces, but our Founders expressed their beliefs clearly, beliefs which shouldn’t be discounted to curry favor with the morally relativistic “anything goes” anti-face-leech Hollywood mob. Whether emanating from the entertainment industry or the equally gaseous D.C swamp, such disrespect for the opinions of those Gentlemen revolutionaries — who wore dead guys teeth sometimes and thought air bathing was a thing — should be met with resounding calls to re-arm and re-leech. Such is the price of freedom, as articulated by the many slaveholding leech heads who founded this country. Besides — who are we to disagree? It’s not as if we could get together under some organized bicameral institution, have reasonable debate from duly elected officials and vote whether to do otherwise. That would be tyranny.

Ben Franklin’s warning that those who would trade freedom for security will receive neither is still often quoted, which is good, because he remains correct. What’s forgotten, however, is the context of that famous comment, which appears in a three hundred page treatise on the power of freshwater leeches to fix one’s finances. “Set a leech upon one’s purse,” Franklin wrote, “to surely lift…