Rich Dogs Begin Receiving Vaccine
The wealthiest dogs in America are receiving the Moderna coronavirus vaccination on Thursday, according to FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn.
“While we are aware that essential healthcare workers and elderly Americans are technically first in line to receive doses, we also are aware that these dogs are absolutely flush with nowhere to spend it.”
The pets, who range in age from one month to eighteen years, are located throughout the country but will not have to travel to receive the vaccine.
“These are jet-setting, ‘one percent’ pups, ok?” says Dr. Sonia Garcia, head of Veterinary Holdings at Goldman Sachs. “They might be filthy and stinking, but they are also filthy stinking rich. The vaccine comes to them.”
Flight logs confirm that dozens of chartered planes have left Moderna’s manufacturing headquarters in Cambridge, Massachussets in recent days, presumably to deliver to well-heeled heelers, affluent affenpinschers and oozing couch meatballs that have never known the toil of an honest day’s work.
Asked why the moneyed mutts were able to jump ahead of millions of Americans in line for vaccines, Garcia defended the practice. “Behind every wealthy dog, there is an owner who may have had to lay off thousands of workers this year, who can’t travel — can’t monitor their investments in person. In some states they are barred from even evicting their tenants. This is about peace of mind.”
