Police Dog Under Fire For Claiming He “Doesn’t See” Color

(PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania) “I don’t care whether you’re gray, dark gray or whatever purple is,” says Reggie, 6, a veteran of the Philadelphia Police Department, in a recently unearthed post on social media. “If you’re a teenager with marijuana in your backpack on the train bothering nobody, I will do my job.”

Officer Reggie makes one hundred thousand dollars a year.

The officer is under increasing pressure to resign over the comments, which parrot right-wing talking points. Activists argue that “not seeing color” is a phrase which reflects willful blindness to the racial inequities and brutalities of policing culture, policy and American society writ large. The officer, who had to be trained not to eat his own shit, sees it differently.

“I was going to [retire] at 10, maybe 11, but now I’m thinking of just taking the pension and playing dead,” says Reggie. “Maybe they’re right. Maybe there’s something I’m not seeing. Maybe my species has been militarized to serve an ideology.” As of press time Reggie was licking his own asshole.

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