Oxford Vaccine Team Announces “Huge Discovery”: Drinking At Work

Dr. David Beard takes a shot of something clear and grimaces. “It will certainly be the foundation of everything we do going forward,” he says. “Drinking at work is very cool, our intern discovered it, and I’m glad we started to doing it [sic], too.”

Beard, head of the Oxford Center for Vaccine Development, is leading a multi-billion dollar effort to create something, anything, to stop the spread of the novel coronavirus. The group has been working since March on potential vaccines, as well as therapeutics that could raise survival rates before one is discovered and produced in sufficient quantities.

His phone rings and he belches. “Sorry, I ordered a calzone.”

As worldwide deaths from COVID near one million — around eight-hundred and fifty thousand at the time of writing — teams like Beard’s are feeling the pressure.

“Oh, we’ve got a vaccine already,” says Beard, before biting into a can of lager and singing the chorus of “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba. “The second we get back from the Labor Day paintball trip I’ll be sending it out.”

He pulls a trash can to within reach. “For sure for sure.”