Opinion: Mama Mia! Thats-A-Racist Statue!

Mama Mia! We must reject racism in all its forms and-a not commemorate it anywhere, let-a alone in the piazza. The Columbus statue is-a-racist! I was born inside a tomato, like-a the famous badger Ratatouille. We both became chefs! Thats-a-racist statue! Mwa!*

Colombus commita-the-colonialism! He sold people! Why-a-we gotta celebrate such a bad garbanzo with-a grande a-Bronze-boy in public? Pizza pie! It belongs in a museum with historical-a contextualizio!**.

I was sitting at my table eating gabagool with my cat Anthony (who was-a wearing a St. Sbarro medal, the patron saint of marinara and-a divorcé) when I saw the people marching.

I join and protesta the statue with mi famiglia!

Pepperoni!

Colombus was from Geona, a city with close economic ties to Spain, capiche?*** He is no hero like Gandolfini (Italian for ‘Little Gandalf’)— rest in pace.

Ciao. Parmigiano-Reggiano!****

*(I kissa-my-fingers)

**for example: “By 1500, [Colombus] and his brothers had sent nearly 1,500 enslaved islanders to European markets to be sold. Even “friendly” indigenous peoples were forced to mine gold en masse, speeding death from malnourishment, overwork and disease.” -Kris Lane, professor of colonial Latin American history at Tulane University The Washington Post 10/8/15

***(I kissa-my-other-fingers)

****(a hard granular Italian cheese made from milk aged 12–36 months)