Local TMI Friday’s Closes Early After Employee Hank Murphy Has Extensive Diarrhea

(YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio) A local TMI Friday’s restaurant closed early today due to a health incident involving a member of staff. The chain, famous for its unique style and spicy appetizers, provided more details in a thirty-two page statement which begins:

Today one of our servers had extensive, mind-shattering diarrhea that will likely stay with him his entire life. His name is Hank Murphy, and he lives three blocks from the restaurant with his girlfriend Renee, who is a tarot card designer. The TMI Friday’s family apologizes for the early closure and wants to assure customers that Hank’s doctor (Dr. Elijah Remmington) says it’s probably just because of the turkey chili he made at home on Sunday. In other words: Hank’s traumatic, public and large volume diarrheal incident was not due to our popular Extreme Shrimp Ranch Poppers™ or Triple Cheese Mozzarella MeatSticks™, which remain on sale with any large soft drink. We hope to open tomorrow morning at our normal opening time of 8:00 AM, assuming we can spray down the dining area in time. Pictures attached below. Hank, who has been a valued member of our team here at TMI Friday’s for three months, had an interesting upbringing, being the middle child of….(statement continues)

Customers dining at the time of the incident have been refunded the cost of their meals, though they confirm they have been asked not to speak to the press. “They told us not to speak to the press because it would make them look bad and they’d get less money for selling their food to people to eat,” says Shonda Ellis, who was enjoying a late lunch with friends before the incident. “That’s literally what they said.”

Update: Shortly after publication of this article, a TMI Friday’s spokesperson issued a forty-six page statement clarifying that Hank’s diarrhea was “largely fibrous” and pledging to be “far more transparent” in the future.