I’d Like To Return This Weighted Blanket Because It Didn’t Even Kill Me

To Whom It May Concern:

I’d like to return your Sleep Master 740 Weighted Blanket System Comforter™ due to the simple fact that I was able to escape its feeble clutches. Due to your faulty product I was able to wake up and go to work. Further, it did not even so much as kill me. This was particularly disappointing as I was hoping to be entombed in my condo so I could avoid my quarterly office party, as well as all future office parties and social commitments.

I’ll just come out and say it: the blanket is not heavy enough, even for those naive souls who still see a glimmer of hope in this dark and dying world. I was able to roll over (!) twice in my sleep, and rather than feel “relaxed” and “safe” as per the item description on your website, I found myself convulsed with fear and loathing for the endless parade of meaningless days to come.

I would be interested in trading it in for another product. I’m not sure what your exchange policy is, but I’ve been eyeing your Breathable Duvet Cover™ and would like to use it to scuba dive off the coast of Maine this summer.

I remain (ugh),

A disappointed customer