Help! Everything I Do Just Happens To Be Exactly The Way Things Should Be Done

Dear Ask Alex,

Help! I’ve noticed that the way I do things also happens to be exactly the way things should be done. It had to happen to someone, I suppose.

What can I say? I seem to possess a perfectly effective worldview with no effort at all. Trust me, I haven’t changed since I was nineteen! Yet still, all these years later, I am right about everything. Truly crazy, if you think about it.

Crazy how lucky I am.

Worse, my luck isn’t confined to one area of my life. It haunts me. The foods I eat, my daily habits, political positions…they’re all perfectly in line, at this very moment, with how everyone else should be doing and thinking of things. I feel like I won the lottery. Seriously, what are the chances?

The strangest part — suspicious to a lesser mind, I’m sure — is that somehow this set of opinions requires practically nothing of me. I haven’t changed my mind or behavior in years.

Others seem to have a problem with my luck. It’s tough to tell, because no one will debate me. Despite repeated invitations, my doctor refuses to consider that maybe I know a few things. Plumbers, pilots and my dad are similarly rude, as was an accountant I met with several times to discuss my interesting legal theory of having money and not paying taxes.

I’m not an idiot. I know why these so-called experts frequently ban me from their shops, social media groups, Little League fields and family gatherings. Jealousy.

This all leads to one simple question, Alex: will you debate me?

Thank you for your time,

Sean, 33, Philadelphia