Dominos Pizza Tracker Found Unconstitutional in Stunning 5–4 Decision

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) In a surprising rebuke to the court’s conservative wing, Chief Justice John Roberts joined with liberals in a majority opinion which could have cascading effects on the pizza tracking industry. The ruling concludes: “The founders could not predict, nor intend, our ability to track an individual pie’s preparation and delivery, let alone the same regarding mouth-watering menu items like chocolate lava crunch cake, parmesan bread bites and jalapeño stuffed cheesy bread with two things of the marinara dipping sauce, et cetera.” With the decision made, the industry is scrambling.

Chief Justice John Roberts

“What we see here is Roberts’ concern for the courts legacy,” says Preet Bharara, a legal analyst and former United States Attorney. “He has essentially said, through issuing this opinion, that tracking pizzas is a step beyond what the founders intended.” Modern developments in pizza science have left the courts to weigh in on the rights of consumers. For example, historical evidence suggests that the founders were not even aware one could stuff a crust with cheese, though there are some indications that Benjamin Franklin attempted it in France.

Ben Franklin’s 1787 letter to a French barmaid inquires about “stuffing thy crust reversely”. Historians debate its meaning.

Much of the conservative legal movement is aghast at the decision, which was widely expected to go the other way. The Heritage Foundation has blasted the move, saying in a statement that “the Chief Justice today legislated from the bench. The lower courts have ruled time and again that the individual has a God-given right to the timely tracking of pizza, tomato pies and garlic bread twists. The American people, meat-lovers or not, must now ask: when will justice be delivered?”

As of press time consumers are still permitted to digitally track two-liter containers of Orange Fanta.



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Max Barth

Max Barth

comedian, writer (Reductress, The Hard Times, Hard Drive, Slackjaw, Points In Case), Libra moon. All my stuff: