Bolton’s Mustache To Join Marvel Cinematic Universe

Actor Andy Serkis of “Lord of the Rings” fame will portray the hairy hero.

Washington may be abuzz with his new memoir, but for comic fans it isn’t John Bolton’s experience as National Security Advisor that concerns them, nor is it any classified information he may have included in the book. “We want the Stache,” says Wendy Clepman, director of the upcoming Ant Man 3: Smaller Than You Thought.

The character, inspired by Bolton’s famous upper lip dressing and created by Stan Lee in 2005, has been to date relegated to one-off comic series and a cancelled television show starring a shaved Hulk Hogan as the live action hero. “We basically greased him up and rolled [Hogan] into a pile of shredded coconut every day,” says director Sponze Lereaux. “It didn’t play. He was scaring kids.”

Wendy and other fans may get their wish of a new and improved Stache; reports indicate Andy Serkis, famous for playing the creature Gollum in the Lord of the Rings trilogy as well as a sturdy silent lamp in Spanglish (for which he won two Oscar nominations) will portray the character in an 800 million dollar film.

Steven Spielberg is attached to direct — a first for Marvel — and says in a statement, “Andy is the only person that can [run around a little room like a monkey] in Hollywood. He is also an expert in standing still like objects do. Motion capture technology is only as good as the motion being captured, and Andy has proved time and again that he can [kinda hunch over and swing his arms around like anyone playing a monkey or creature would do]. He’s worth every penny.”

President Trump, in a Tuesday morning tweet, disagreed with the casting. White House sources indicate legal action to prevent the film is forthcoming.

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Max Barth

Max Barth

comedian, writer (Reductress, The Hard Times, Hard Drive, Slackjaw, Points In Case), Libra moon. All my stuff: https://linktr.ee/MaxBarth