Bitcoin At All-Time High, Says Guy At All-Time Low

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(MADISON, WI) The cryptocurrency Bitcoin reached an all-time high Friday, according to area man Greg Adams, 38. Adams, whose life has fallen to utter shit in the last few years, was allegedly pleased to report the breakthrough.

“He couldn’t wait to tell us,” said his roommate, the first in Adams’ embarrassingly small social circle to hear the news. “He said he was going to be rich, which is [expletive], because he sold his Bitcoin five years ago to buy an ounce of weed. I pointed that out to him and he went to his room.”

Adams declined to comment for this article.