Biden, Trump Accuse Voters of “Cognitive Decline”
WASHINGTON, D.C —In a rare joint statement, both presidential candidates have accused every voter in America of exhibiting “obvious cognitive decline”. Donald Trump and Joe Biden are in their seventies and have made similar charges against each other.
The statement, issued Friday:
“While we appreciate voters’ concern over our health, we would like to respectfully ask you to look in the fucking mirror for once because baby you aren’t exactly playing with a whole deck of cards, either. You numbskulls put us in this position in the first place.”
Dr. Meara Stevens, a psychologist at Washington State University, says the cognitive decline among voters in the last decade is “obvious if you talk to literally anyone anywhere about anything.” Whether voters will accept responsibility for their thick headedness is another question.
“I mean, the question of whether you’d vote for Trump was itself a cognitive test.” She sighs. “Sixty-three million people failed.”
Biden, Trump’s opponent in the election, has also faced accusations of having lost a step since his vice presidential years. “And that’s a fair concern,” says Blanche, “because his hair plugs are old enough to be President. The real issue, they argue, is that voters are dumber than shit, and more dumber than shit than they’ve historically been.”
The tactic could certainly backfire, but some strategists — unaffiliated with either campaign — see a silver lining. Polling indicates that voters overwhelmingly disapprove of themselves by a large margin.
“In politics, if you’re explaining, you’re losing,” explains strategist Ed Rollins, who advised Mike Huckabee and lost. “Turning the focus away from elderly candidates and attacking voters directly for being unable to explain anything beyond the plot to Ant Man 2 could be very effective.”
Third party candidates have bristled at the bipartisan attack. The Green Party and Libertarian nominees issued a joint statement in response, alleging a deliberate “erasure” of their voters. “Just because the corrupt corporate media ignores us doesn’t mean our voters aren’t dumber than shit, too.”
