Nation Exhales, Vomits A Little

Trump won more votes in 2020 than he did in 2016.

As the final votes of the 2020 election were being counted late Friday morning, pundits and politicos across the idealogical spectrum came to a similar conclusion: Former Vice President Joseph R. Biden was on track for a significant win in the Electoral College.

Biden supporters who’d seen victory loom ever closer in the previous 48 hours began to breathe sighs of relief as their candidate opened up small but steady leads in Pennsylvania and Georgia.

The sighs reportedly included just a little bit of spicy stomach sauce.

A senior advisor to the President-elect, given anonymity to discuss internal issues, says the issue is widespread and not limited to voters. “We all felt good about the win for a second. Then it was like straight up hot gut bubbles,” the source says. “I was on a call with a supporter who straight up vurped.”

Trump’s supporters, while disappointed and leveling baseless claims of widespread fraud, were gastrointestinaly unbothered.

“I’ve been leaking remixed tube juice from either end for four years,” said one of the President’s supporters seen wandering Philadelphia with a sign that read “Stop Counting Some Places, Keep Counting Other Places”.

“I mean, that’s kind of our thing.”