Biden Promises New Billy Joel Album “In First Term”
“I’d get on the phone on day one and say, ‘piano man, you need to record’,” said newly -minted Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden. Speaking to donors at a digital fundraising event on Tuesday, Biden pressed recording artist Billy Joel — whom he called “the piano Picasso” — to “write some new stuff about eating popcorn with a baseball mitt or whatever.”
After veering into an extended discussion on the coronavirus epidemic and his plans to “revive American manufacturing”, the former Vice President was soon back on the topic of Joel, particularly the singer’s relative silence since 1993’s River of Dreams. “That was a pretty good album and really proved to Jill and me that there was still creative gas in the tank of his piano.”
The campaign’s second fundraiser of the day, again held over Zoom, saw prospective First Lady Dr. Jill Biden further flesh out the pledge.
“Joe would certainly like to see a Piano Man 2,” she said, “even if it’s just stripped down re-recordings of older songs with maybe a bonus track of a duet with Bruno Mars or something.”
The pledge, Biden aides say, could help the ticket with Mid-Atlantic airport bar regulars as well as step dads doing step work. Both groups, they believe, are needed to wrest the White House from Donald Trump.
“Forget, you know, ‘who would you rather have a beer with?’”, says a source close to Biden. “We’re asking ‘who would you rather have a bottle of red, a bottle of white with down the shore while you ignore texts from your ex-wife?’ The answer is Joe.”
California Sen. Kamala Harris, Biden’s running mate, attacked the artist’s rivals at a later event but left them unnamed. “When it comes to searing piano ballads about broken jukeboxes, dogs eating fireworks and how to end a relationship at the North Bergen park and ride, no one can compete.”
The Trump campaign declined to comment, though a senior source (granted anonymity after winning a coin flip with this reporter) confirmed via text that Trump was, at best, neutral in the efforts to encourage a new Joel record. “POTUS basically thinks some of the songs were good but Joel once crashed a golf cart at the Bedminster club. He hates “Downeaster Alexa” but I don’t think he’s heard it. Says it’s too kind to [Amazon founder Jeff] Bezos.”
