Biden Inaugural Address “Mostly Crowd Work”
“Where is this guy from? The Waffle House?”
So begins a speech that, its writers hope, could begin to heal the partisan rancor that has defined much of American life.
On January 20th, 2021, Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. will be sworn in as 45th President of The United States. A leaked draft of his inauguration speech reveals his speech will be mostly crowd work.
Speechwriter Matthew Lowry, reached for comment, says “the President-elect is excellent at connecting with everyday Americans, so he’s going to mostly be asking people where they come from and what they do for a living and then making a short quip based on their response.”
According to the leaked draft, after the “waffle house” line, Biden will turn to his left and say “get a load of this guy” to Vice President-Elect Kamala Harris who will in turn “shake her head and do the Italian little kissy fingers thing.”
“The President-elect is also prepared to ask hecklers, should there be any, whether he should go to their job and interrupt their eating a big bowl of shit,” says Lowry. “Like, as if their job is eating shit.”
Outgoing President Donald Trump is not expected to attend. A longtime connoisseur of crowd work himself, sources say Trump planned a second inaugural along similar lines.
“Trump wanted to do a lot of prop stuff, too,” says an advisor familiar with the plan. “We had this whole thing with a puppet Fauci planned, but I guess that’s moot now.”
Puppet Fauci, reached through his puppet lawyer, declined to comment.
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(Photo: Chad J. McNeeley/Public Domain)
