Biden Campaign Announces Initial Vetting of What The Fuck He Just Said
(PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania) The Biden presidential campaign announced today that vetting has begun on the candidate’s words from five fucking seconds ago. “We have started initial consultations at our Philadelphia headquarters,” the statement reads. “The campaign is engaging multiple teams of experienced attorneys to figure out what the fuck Joe Biden just said about the ‘washing machine being faster than the mail man, jack’.”
Traditionally, vetting of this kind is kept hidden from the public. According to the campaign, such secrecy isn’t feasible in the current red-hot partisan environment where voters listen to what candidates say and think about it. “People want to play gotcha with everything a candidate says,” says Deputy Press Secretary Dane O’Neill. “And as soon as we figure out what that was, we’ll let you know. Again.”
The vetting begins with a fairly broad list of possible things Biden maybe just fucking said via webcast to Baltimore high schoolers, which will be narrowed significantly by July. “It’s a long process,” says O’Neill. The remarks in question followed a seemingly unrelated discussion of health policy, and included something about a seagull “learning a lesson the hard way”.
“We’re going to defeat Donald Trump,” the campaign said in a statement. “We’re going to hit the ground running. We’re going to turn this country around, and we think that’s what Joe Biden was communicating when he said the thing about sunscreen lotion basically being like soft serve, these days. We think.”
The Biden campaign is using the start of the vetting process to drum up support on social media platforms. An advertisement on Facebook asks supporters to sign up to be among the “first to know” what the former Vice President said just now for real in front of everybody and why his wife, Dr. Jill Biden, looked so nervous when he said it. The ad encourages supporters to “text JOE to 8080”. That number is for an Oklahoma pet store called Not Just Snakes; as of press time, no one named Joe currently works there.
