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An Honest Cover Letter
I need $600.
Dear whoever (whomever?),
I need $600.
I was hoping that you could part with it, and in return I could open and close spreadsheets for a few weeks. Ideally this win-win set up could continue for some time, as I often need more money to continue putting calories into my body so I can live to sleep through another sunrise.
I feel bad that you actually have to read this. It’s an archaic screening process, isn’t it? I’m guessing cover letters arrived with the invention of the typewriter, and are therefore also stupid and out of date and, frankly, cringe. I’m sure there are also classist, sexist, and racist undertones to the whole thing. I don’t know what they are at the moment but I’m sure the information is publicly available. Respectfully, shame on you.
If I’m fortunate enough to get this job, I will only call out sick from the spreadsheets when I am actually, physically sick or desperately in need of an excuse. This will happen rarely, for as my resume notes I am an expert at strategically doling out my failures in small, easy-to-forget doses. I promise I will keep only one failure in your short term memory at any given time so you don’t have to go through the process of replacing me and reading more of these godawful things.
