An Apology From PestSwap®

No more snakes. We promise.

Hello!

After speaking with school district staff, local Fish and Wildlife officials and the surviving members of the George Carver Middle School marching band, I want to clear things up for you, our loyal customers:

We apologize. PestSwap® will no longer offer snakes.

I continue to believe that our business model provides a unique and humane form of pest control. Going forward, we will simply continue our signature PestSwap® service with zero snakes.

When my grandfather started Earl’s Pest Control in 1977, he pledged to revolutionize the industry by swapping pests rather than killing them. Our next door neighbors were his first clients. The Smith family parted with a swarm of Asian tiger mosquitos that was sent to the loving home of my own aunt and uncle, who in turn swapped a colony of carpenter ants for a handful of bed bugs from a local optometrist — and PestSwap® as we know it began.

Gone were the days of fumigation, mass rodent poisoning and ant murder.

PestSwap® remains a family business. Though my father retired from full-time swapping years ago, he recently negotiated the largest transatlantic lice transfer in history. My young daughters handle weevils, moths and the slower rodents. My cousin is our accountant and my mother handles everything with wings. I expect, once bail is met, she will resume her role.

Mitch, my brother, has spun the PestWheel® each morning for the last twenty years. His three children can fill a home with rats faster than anyone in the tristate area.

I speak for the entire family when I say we are truly grateful for your continued support after this relatively minor (for us anyway) incident. Our on-site employee misread a document and added a few zeros where he shouldn’t have. He was not properly trained, nor was our antidote team which deployed promptly to an incorrect address.

I have directed staff to immediately pause all PestSwaps® and to cooperate fully with law enforcement. Employees are of course entitled to counsel, as are the first responders who came in direct contact with the alleged long-tailed weasels in the employee’s private possession prior to the snakes’ arrival at George Carver Middle School.

In addition, subscribers to our monthly PestBox® program will receive refunds. We ask that you return any unused feed, traps and netting to your local PestSwap® drop box or store front. Customers with snakes recently swapped will be receiving a new legged pest in the mail within 5–7 business days.

We urge you to stay away from the snakes until then. Our entire snake stock is being released from helicopters into low-density zip codes this afternoon. That’s it with the snakes! We promise.

God bless,

David F. Ruthers, CEO
PestSwap®

P.S Is it Cicada season in your neck of the woods? We’d be happy to remove them from your property and replace them with giant forest scorpions. Enter SCORP10 at checkout for 10% larger giant forest scorpions.

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