Spoiler: She doesn’t.

Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels

Local woman Andrea Smith, 31, has updated her calendar to include the upcoming autumnal equinox as if she has a special little plan for that day even though she absolutely doesn’t, sources say. Additional entries are few and far between, indicating sparing use of the calendar in general.

Friends say this sort of dishonesty is normal for Ms. Smith. “I saw Andrea write the words ‘Aviation History Month’ at the top of October’s page last year, and she can’t tell a 747 from a 7–11 [store],” says one. “It’s performative. She just lives her life like normal…

Close your eyes and repeat after me. Then keep your eyes closed.

photo Kelvin Valerio /Guillaume Falco
  1. I am safe. I am secure. I am above sea level, of course.
  2. I am an unstoppable force of nature, which is always a good thing.
  3. My success is inevitable. Even if I radically changed my behavior today, it would still happen. There’s nothing I can do at this point.
  4. I inhale positivity and exhale love, kindness and a negligible amount of carbon dioxide.
  5. My immortal soul radiates from the inside and warms others, particularly in the Northern Hemisphere.
  6. I live in harmony with the four completely different…

Affordable haunted housing? Think again.

Photo sergio souza / Pexels

Americans who are employed full-time at the minimum wage cannot afford abandoned train cars haunted by ghosts of railroad employees anywhere in the US, according to a new report by the National Haunted Housing Alliance. Half of such workers can’t even afford a night at the old hotel near the cemetery.

“The financial hardship presents a unique problem for young workers,” says haunted housing expert Kiki Turner. …

Jobs are for money and money is for humans.

Photo by Jeswin Thomas from Pexels

There’s an employment crisis in America, and it has nothing to do with the pandemic. Over the last several decades, computers have slowly but surely transformed every industry, taking millions of jobs previously held by hardworking human beings. The problem is projected to get much worse, but there’s an easy solution: stop interviewing them for open positions in the first place.

Hiring a computer instead of a person has become trendy, sure. Computers don’t take lunch breaks or vacations. Employers can yell at them with impunity. They don’t make small talk or leave old cake in the break room fridge…

Photo Andrea Piacquadio+ Pixabay /Pexels

By now, I’m used to the questions: “how is your father?” and “so, does that mean it’s your yacht now?” and, most painfully, “why weren’t you at the funeral?”

I’ve become something of an authority on the subject of thriving after tragedy, in my case a deadly fire on my family’s estate that absolutely no one could have prevented or foreseen. Trust me.

Here is how I — the sole survivor of an admittedly suspicious mansion fire — have succeeded in the face of incalculable personal loss (and quite calculable financial gain). …

my first headline for Reductress!

Just putting this here — I like to use my Medium page as an archive of all my written work. Here’s a headline I wrote for Reductress.

We treat these donuts like absolute shit.

Photo Jeswin Thomas/ Sharon McCutcheon / Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

We’re twisted freaks here at Linda’s Sunshine Bakery. We don’t use animal products in our donuts but you’re goddamn right our pastries aren’t “cruelty-free”. We treat these donuts like complete shit: we yell at them as they come out of the fryer, we keep them in tiny little donut cages while we talk about how great it is to be a human — we even point and laugh at them as their extra dough is sliced off and rolled into demeaning little balls right in front of their holes.

Their lives, far from…

A review of the classic expansion pack.

art by Robert Ecks

(Today’s Retro Review is about The Sims: Seasonal Depression, released twenty years ago today.)

Finally! Watch your Sims™ take part in pack-exclusive activities like “Collapsing On The Floor And Calling It Yoga,” “Watching Twin Peaks With The Sound Off,” and “Staring At A Candle.”

“We wanted to make the game more immersive and lifelike,” said head designer Yvonne Page, now a professor of Escape Room Design at the University of Southern California. “For most gamers, having their Sim™ host a wild dinner party or go out on the town didn’t reflect the way they lived their lives. …

Max Barth

comedian, writer (Reductress, Slackjaw, Points In Case), Libra moon, all my stuff >> https://linktr.ee/MaxBarth

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