Photo Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

Q: What got you into this line of work?

A: Growing up, I had really bad allergies. My mom always tuned into the local news to see the pollen count before I went to school. So I used to think, like, they probably use a pollen counting machine or something to get the count. When I found out it was just a guy with a notepad going out every morning I thought, “I can do this.” My guidance counselor said I should be a meteorologist, but I’m not interested in meteors. I could count meteors in my sleep. They’re huge.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Q: Thanks for meeting with me. Ready?

A: What?

Q: Thanks for meeting with me! I asked if you were ready to start the interview.

A: I’m doing great, yeah.

Q: The pandemic seems to have changed every workplace, often permanently. Has your job been effected?

A: What?

Q: Has your job been effected by the pandemic?

A: Oh! Sorry. Yeah, I work at a brewery.

Q: Right. Did it close during the lockdown?

A: What?

Q: Your job — did it close?

A: Yeah, about a half mile that way. …

Photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels

(GENEVA, Switzerland) A new study from the Placebo Institute, which may or may not exist, has confirmed that placebo coronavirus vaccines are “as effective” at starting arguments with misinformed uncles as their government-approved counterparts.

“We had our suspicions,” says Dr. Mishna Yahontov, who designed the study in conjunction with colleagues at Harvard Medical School. “We wanted to know if a medically useless shot of saline would enrage self-styled ‘free thinkers’ as much as life-saving vaccines have.”

The trial, which involved 30,000 volunteers as well as their online social networks of former acquaintances from middle school with Punisher tattoos, lasted three…

No more snakes. We promise.


After speaking with school district staff, local Fish and Wildlife officials and the surviving members of the George Carver Middle School marching band, I want to clear things up for you, our loyal customers:

We apologize. PestSwap® will no longer offer snakes.

I continue to believe that our business model provides a unique and humane form of pest control. Going forward, we will simply continue our signature PestSwap® service with zero snakes.

When my grandfather started Earl’s Pest Control in 1977, he pledged to revolutionize the industry by swapping pests rather than killing them…

My friend John, the last line of defense against tyranny.

(Photo by Artem Podrez from Pexels)

She’s unique, and I’m suspicious.

Photo by Josh Willink from Pexels

Dear Abbey,

My wife is the love of my life. Sadly, I have recently concluded that she is a non-fungible token. My suspicions were first aroused when I would say “honey, let’s go to town, grab the keys — you’re fungible, right?” and she couldn’t even look me in the eyes.

At first, I chalked it up to nerves. We are newly married, working new careers in a new town. Anyone would struggle to be fungible in such a context..right?

I’ve always considered myself lucky to be with her. She is kind, intelligent, and beautiful…

Max Barth

comedian, writer, Libra moon, all my stuff >>

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