I need $600.

Dear whoever (whomever?),

I need $600.

I was hoping that you could part with it, and in return I could open and close spreadsheets for a few weeks. Ideally this win-win set up could continue for some time, as I often need more money to continue putting calories into my body so I can live to sleep through another sunrise.

I feel bad that you actually have to read this. It’s an archaic screening process, isn’t it? I’m guessing cover letters arrived with the invention of the typewriter, and are therefore also stupid and out of date…

Tips for an unforgettable experience.

(Originally published in Points In Case)

1. Take the day off work! The experience can take between one and twelve hours. Trust me, you’re not gonna want to be on a conference call when it hits. While Silicon Valley CEOs have popularized taking small amounts every day to stay at the top of their game while working (Zuckerberg practically snorts the stuff), we don’t recommend “micro-dosing” for the first timer. Plus, you’ll need time to recover and clean up when it’s over.
2. Have a trusted friend nearby, preferably one who’s taken it before and can guide…

Hey, Christa, it’s me, the cicada you almost killed seventeen years ago with your soccer cleats. I look a little different now, true. I just grew this exoskeleton. Do you like it? I think it matches my — say, is that Greg, the same guy you were dating in 2004?

I don’t mean to be a buzzkill, in fact I rarely stop buzzing, but… seriously? That guy is no good for you. …

Poseidon Wants Your Data

Whatever your situation, we can all agree that 2020 was a bit unusual. After a year like no other, the IRS extended the tax filing deadline by over a month. That deadline recently passed. If you still haven’t filed your taxes, you may have one option remaining: heaving it all into the sea.

John McGee, a tax expert who heads McGee & Associates, recommends late filers gather their tax documents, drive in one direction “until they smell salt” and toss everything into the churning surf. “Watching seagulls fight over your Income Tax Return for Single and…

Q: What got you into this line of work?

A: Growing up, I had really bad allergies. My mom always tuned into the local news to see the pollen count before I went to school. So I used to think, like, they probably use a pollen counting machine or something to get the count. When I found out it was just a guy with a notepad going out every morning I thought, “I can do this.” My guidance counselor said I should be a meteorologist, but I’m not interested in meteors. I could count meteors in my sleep. They’re huge.

…

Q: Thanks for meeting with me. Ready?

A: What?

Q: Thanks for meeting with me! I asked if you were ready to start the interview.

A: I’m doing great, yeah.

Q: The pandemic seems to have changed every workplace, often permanently. Has your job been effected?

A: What?

Q: Has your job been effected by the pandemic?

A: Oh! Sorry. Yeah, I work at a brewery.

Q: Right. Did it close during the lockdown?

A: What?

Q: Your job — did it close?

A: Yeah, about a half mile that way. …

(GENEVA, Switzerland) A new study from the Placebo Institute, which may or may not exist, has confirmed that placebo coronavirus vaccines are “as effective” at starting arguments with misinformed uncles as their government-approved counterparts.

“We had our suspicions,” says Dr. Mishna Yahontov, who designed the study in conjunction with colleagues at Harvard Medical School. “We wanted to know if a medically useless shot of saline would enrage self-styled ‘free thinkers’ as much as life-saving vaccines have.”

The trial, which involved 30,000 volunteers as well as their online social networks of former acquaintances from middle school with Punisher tattoos, lasted three…